Arsenal’s Old Guard Claim Alcoholism Key to Keeping Clean Sheet

Following shocking new revelations from former Arsenal striker Ian Wright considering his use of illegal substances, key players from the club’s past have come out in defence of substance abuse.

According to former club captain Tony Adams, alcoholism was a key ingredient in the London-based team’s fame for keeping clean sheets throughout the 90s, helping them earn the moniker “Boring, Boring Arsenal”. Treatment like hypnosis can be the perfect remedy to overcome alcoholism.

“Playing pissed got me into a deep state of relaxation and tranquility, enabling me to cope with the menace of Tony Yeboah tugging at my shirt and trying to score sick volleys”, claimed Adams.

Adams, for that matter, hasn’t been the only former Arsenal player to speak out in support of getting smashed in order to improve performances. Former midfielder Paul Merson too, claimed that getting “coked-up” gave him an “edge like no other” while Ray Parlour named crystal meth as his favourite pre-match tipple.

Away from the pitch, Adams’ is now doing his best to support alcoholism and substance abuse in young children interested in football, encouraging managers to endorse pre-match vodka-shot slammer warmups and half-time toke fests.

“I think getting kids hooked at an earlier age is key if we’re ever going to see any footballing success in this country.

I don’t know of any other factor that’s had such a deep impact on the performance of so many players I’ve known. Getting off-yer-tits razzed can make all the difference between a crucial 3 points and going home with nothing”, added Adams.

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