Bald Football Players XI – Slaphead FC

 2 years, 9 months ago 3 Comments

The rules for finding our bald football players XI – we had to find the most talented, follicle-challenged footballers of all time and arrange them into appropriate position and formation to make a team of hairless superstars, good enough to win the UEFA Champion’s League. And we mean proper bald football players – none of that Wayne Rooney/Alan Shearer denial shit. Anyway, we went with a flat, no-nonsense 4-4-2 with our world-beating baldies.

Without further ado, we present…Slaphead FC

Italian legendary official Collina is the perfect man to keep the bald football players in check.

Brad Friedel (Goalkeeper)

When we asked ‘bald goalkeeper’ – we instantly thought of Fabian Barthez. He boasts a World Cup (1998) and European Cup (2000) medal and also shares the record with Peter Shilton for the most World Cup Finals clean sheets (10). In club football he won the Champions League as well as several Ligue 1 and Premier League titles.

But Barthez was way too erratic to be taken seriously for Slaphead FC. We needed someone dependable between the sticks so we went along with big Brad Friedel.

Roberto Carlos (Left Back)

Considered one of the best left backs in history and with the egghead to match, the diminutive Brazilian was chosen on the FIFA World Cup Dream Team, and in 2004 was named in the FIFA 100 list of the world’s greatest living players. It’s unsurprising that he started his career as a forward considering he is considered the “most offensive-minded left-back in the history of the game” with the attacking prowess to back up such claims.

Nicknamed el hombre bala (“the bullet man”) due to his powerful bending free kicks, which have been measured at over 105 miles per hour, Carlos was also known for his stamina, speed, strength, technical skills, crossing ability, long throw ins and monster 24-inch thighs.

Carlos boasts World Cup and UEFA Champions League medals and is best known for his insane free kick goal against France in the Tournoi de France (featured in our video).

Lilian Thuram (Right Back)

The versatile Frenchman starred in the aforementioned 1998 and 2000 triumphs for France and was a rock for several European clubs such as Juventus and Barcelona. He might have a girly name but Lililan was an absolute menace of a defender and fits perfectly into our team of Slapheads.

Frank Leboeuf (Centre Back)

Also French. Also bald as a coot. A bit of a dirty player back in the day for Chelsea, but a top, top central defender who starred in France’s international flourish and was a mainstay at Stamford Bridge, helping The Pensioners to domestic and European cup success.

Jaap Stam (Centre Back & Captain)

The Dutch international has been given captaincy on the merit of pissing off Fergie back in his Old Trafford days whilst also being the hardest of all our bald football players. Not only was he an absolute defensive rock on the ground and a beast in the air at Manchester United – but he also had a passing ability which was rare for a centre half at the time.

Stam ended his career with shit loads of trophies including being voted best defender in the 1998–99 and 1999–2000 UEFA Champions League.

Attilio Lombardo (Left Wing)

It’s hard to leave out someone in a team of bald footballer players who was aptly nicknamed ‘The Bald Eagle’ during his Crystal Palace days. We thought about putting the Italian on the right wing, but seeing so Lombardo puts in a good shift – we opted to put him on the left instead, for cover when Bobby Carlos goes one of his mental flank runs.

Arjen Robben (Right Wing)

The Dutchman was clearly one of the best performers of the last World Cup in Brazil and when he’s not diving, or wriggling around on the ground; he’s usually being bald and brilliant.

Zinedine Zidane (Central Midfield)

It would just be criminal to leave Zizou out of a team of exposed noggins. One of the greatest players to have ever graced the football pitch; Zidane has done it all on the world stage and personifies the overused word “legend.” We can list all of his achievements here, but we all know he’s going to be mainly remembered for the flying headbutt!

Thomas Gravesen (Central Midfield)

One could argue that there are more gifted players available for this position who have sported shiny melons, but we went along with the former Everton and Real Madrid hard man for a bit of defensive steel. The Danish midfielder provides us with a bit of protective assurance and grit in the centre of the park whilst our flair players of Slaphead FC do their damage.

Gianluca Vialli (Striker)

During his time in Italy, Vialli won the Serie A, Italian Supercup, UEFA Champions League and the UEFA Cup. In England he won the FA Cup, League Cup, UEFA Cup Winners Cup and the UEFA Super Cup. He was always a handful and it’s rumoured that Sinead O’Connor shaved her hair off and sang ‘Nothing Compares 2U’ in tribute to the Italian hit-man.

Bobby Charlton (Licence to Roam)

Ideally, England’s highest goalscorer of all time would be used in a free role considering he was a midfielder, but baldy (Sir) Bobby can take pride in the fact he ‘knows where the goal is’ with his 257 lifetime goals and he can rotate with Zidane now and then to confuse the terrified opposition.

Bald football players honourable mentions

Temuri Ketsbaia, William Gallas, Steve Bould.

Champions League Credentials: Semi final knockout. 

best bald football players ever lined up in a 4-4-1 formation.

Gravesen and Lombardo are the standout chrome dome weak links, but we think Slaphead FC have a decent chance of lifting the Champions League with Zidane pulling the strings in a team full of medal winners. Realistically, we’re predicting semi-finals due to a more than likely slow Frank Leboeuf being outpaced and chopping down the striker, receiving a red card and conceding a heart-breaking extra-time penalty.

Did we miss anyone out who you feel is more worthy of a place in Slaphead FC? Be sure to check out our video tribute to the greatest bald football players known to man…

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