Catholic Church Declare Adam Johnson As An Official Saint

Head of the Catholic Church and 266th Pope, Pope Francis has sent a defiant response to those who questioned his canonising of controversial figure Mother Theresa, by making disgraced Sunderland and Manchester City winger Adam Johnson an official saint of the Roman Catholic Church.

Some historians had questioned the Argentinian’s decision to give a sainthood to a woman who is said by some experts to have been a “political pawn for the good of evil,” but Pope Francis went one better to show where the church’s alliances lie, in what is being hailed as a: “PR move of the century,” by Chesterfield’s Ched Evans and his strike partner socceroo Rolf Harris.

The Pope nonchalantly explained:

“Non-holy people like to judge so much, but they easily forget that strike against Newcastle when The Mackems won 1-0 at Saint James’s, don’t they? Saint Adam more like! That was a work of God, believe me!”

Speaking from his jail cell via live stream sponsored by; ‘God loves Paedos too,’ a sheepish Johnson thanked the Pope, Evans, Harris and even God himself for giving him strength to get through the most shameful and embarrassing regret of his life:

“I hope the faith that the big man upstairs has given me will help me to forgive my greatest sin. A deed so disgusting that it makes it hard to even look in the mirror in the morning. Playing for Sunderland will haunt me for life, but now I feel like I can finally start to repent and I hope that others in my position will finally be able to as well now.”

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