Global Depression Soars To 91% In Men As World Cup Qualifiers Replace Premiership

Multiple countries around the world, most notably the UK and Ireland are declaring a national state of emergency as the result of this weekend’s football World Cup Qualifiers replacing the Premiership for a week, has rendered the majority of all men everywhere useless and in a deep state of depression.

LOLFootball took to the streets to see what both men and women thought about this epidemic.

“Fucking qualifiers,” said Jim from Margate.

“I don’t know what to do with them all, I’ve tried everything,” bemoaned Wendy from Sutton Coldfield, in our exclusive with the 57-year-old factory worker who claims that her husband, three sons and brother had all been deeply affected by the international World Cup qualifying fixtures.

“Our Malcolm hasn’t eaten for days – he just sites in front of the Saturday fixtures on BBC website and refreshes it over and over again in tears.

Our Wayne just hides under his covers, constantly babbling something about; ‘Big Sam being shit anyway.'”

The England national team manager Sam Allardyce doesn’t seem to be immune from the epidemic either. Sources on the ground tell us he won’t open his door and has declared this weekend’s events; “a load of bollocks.”

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