Rafa Benitez Sobers Up From Hangover, Finds Out He’s Newcastle United Manager

(Source)

Sulky Spaniard Rafael Benitez has finally sobered up after a heavy three-day bender on the Bigg Market and Quayside to find out, to his utter horror, that he has agreed to be the new gaffer of Championship-bound Premiership cannon fodder, Newcastle United.

A regretful Rafa bemoaned;

“A couple of months ago I was working with the likes of Cristiano Ronaldo and Gareth Bale, eating the greatest paella known to man and drinking the finest sangria on earth – now I’m expected to keep these cunts up with Cissé and Steven Taylor and pretend that I’m actually thankful for pease pudding stotties?”

Benitez’s agent, Manuel García Quilón, immediately interrupted the Champions League winner’s solemn rant during Newcastle United’s official news conference to put a positive spin on events – citing the role as an ideal opportunity for his client to spread his wings in front of a city who are possibly even more deluded and living-in-the-past than Liverpool supporters; “Don’t listen to Rafa, he’s still half-cut and all this is a big shock to him – but his heart’s in the right place and he’ll do his best to bring some joy to the Geordie people.”

Benitez boasts a colourful CV and has already won honours in England before with Liverpool and Chelsea, but the ex-Real Madrid manager seems to already be going through a crisis of confidence at The Toon, just three days into his official appointment.

A despondent Benitez wiped away a wistful tear from his rosy cheeks, before kissing a photo of Jerzy Dudek in his locket and conceding;

“The last thing that I remember is my old mate Dietmar Hamann showing me around the town with a few cheeky Brown Ale’s. Next thing I know, I wake up on Wednesday morning on Greggs doorstep outside the train station to an angry text from my missus simply saying;”who the fuck is Jack Colback?” 

“I still have no clue who he is.”

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