Roy Keane Actually Apologises For Something!

This week, hell froze over and pigs were seen flying over the M25. Even more astonishing, though, was the news that psycho without a cause, Roy Keane actually apologised for something… sort of.

In an interview recorded tirade with Four-Four-Two magazine, Keane owned up that there was only one thing in his entire career which he regrets doing.

Was it falling out with Lord Ferg and his minions at Manchester United? Of course not. The fire in his belly for the rosey-schnozzed tyrant still burns as fiercely as ever.

Was it walking out on Ireland and (proper Irishman, honest) Mick McCarthy prior to the 2002 World Cup? Not a bit of it. Keane stands by his comments that McCarthy’s impression of Sam the Eagle is only surpassed by his impersonation of a Yorkshireman with one foot trapped in a bog.

Surely it was the time he broke Alf Inge Haaland into several tiny pieces with a particularly nasty challenge and all-but ended the feisty Norwegian’s career, then? Or when he gleefully claimed that he meant it and would do it again in his expletive-laden autobiography, imaginatively titled: Keane – the Autobiography? Nope.

What really makes the Irishman toss and turn at night is a long-forgotten, but undoubtedly vile, stamp on squeakier-than-thou former England captain, Gareth Southgate. Or, sort of, anyway.

Footage from Roy Keane’s press conference held to humbly apologise to Gareth Southgate…

Responding to the question whether that was the incident he most regretted, Keane thundered:

“Yes, it probably was! But in my defence Gareth tried to cut me in half with a tackle! No one remembers that! He only got a yellow card whereas now he would probably get two months in prison! There was an element of self-defence with the stamp!  There was some needle in that game and I had already got a knock on my ankle! I wasn’t going around stamping on people for the sake of it! I have said to Gareth since then that my advice to defenders is you always have to stay on your feet! So some of it was Gareth’s own fault!”

Only the self-righteous delusion of a man like Keane could suggest that Southgate, in his prone state, was to blame for the hideous stamp… and that he was acting in self-defence from such a threatening opponent.

So, just to clarify, the above passage does not actually contain any form of apology at all – but if there is anyone still in doubt of Keane’s contrition, here is a photograph of the handwritten note he sent to Southgate in apology.

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