Big Sam Celebrates England Win With Gravy Bath & Other Manly Stuff

 5 years, 9 months ago 0 Comments

Gravy Wrestling

Following England’s dramatic last-minute winner in the opening game of their World Cup Qualifying campaign yesterday, new manager Sam Allardyce has reportedly bathed himself in gravy, deeming it; “a proper man’s way of celebrating.”

The manager, affectionally known as “Big Sam”, oiled himself up for the bath just a few minutes after Liverpool midfielder Adam Lallana banged in England’s solitary goal in the 95th minute of a match against Slovakia.

According to coaching staff, the 61-year-old Allardyce had foreseen the winner before everyone else, quietly moving away from the touchline at the start of injury time and slipping into a smoking jacket previously handed down to him from his miner grandfather.

In what’s seen as a dramatic shift in terms of management styles, especially considering predecessor Roy Hodgson had implemented a post-match “talk-about-your-feelings-sit-down”, Allardyce, following his gloopy bath, then “carved a celebratory turkey” while holding “hot stuff” and “carrying it about” for the team’s post-match meal.

After dinner entertainment included Allardyce fucking off a satnav and reading a map correctly while also changing the tyre on the team coach before getting outrageously shit-faced and brawling with assistant Ray Lewington.

England midfielder Raheem Sterling called it “the single most beautiful thing he had ever seen”, striker Harry Kane called it “the finest debut celebration since my own” and Rooney simply barked in approbation.

Gravy from Big Sam’s bath is now on sale at Tesco’s as part of the England 2016 Commemorative Package.

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