Chris Smalling Wickedly Ashamed of Micropenis

Smalling by name, very smalling by nature.

Reports coming out of the North of England today appear to confirm the recent absence of Manchester United defender Chris Smalling from the starting line-up for reasons ‘other’ than football.

According to a journalists of one reputable Sunday newspaper, a video has been ‘leaked’ by one of Smalling’s former flames, featuring him in a myriad of compromising positions before breaking down in tears.

The video, dubbed “Chris It In Yet?” by the members of regular forum Smalling Watch, appears to show the England international chastising what can only be described as a micropenis, following attempted coital relations with an extremely obese woman.

Leaving the room in floods of tears and shrieking caterwauls of emotional pain, Smalling hasn’t been seen since the incident, missing several training sessions at Manchester United training ground the Aon Complex.

Friend and fellow team-mate Danny Blind commented; “Smalling kept the secret of his smalling under wraps from the press for a long time but it has always been a hot topic of debate at the club, especially since Shinji Kagawa left, his closest rival in the small penis stakes”.

Smalling is purported to be going to extreme measures to ‘recover his form‘, even flying to China for a consultation with extension specialist Dr Wang.

In the meantime, fans expect his absence won’t go without some ‘stiff‘ disciplining from manager Jose Mourinho.

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