Footballer’s Mum Denies Allegations of Him Being “Full Kit Wanker”

The mother of a leading Premiership footballer has spoken out today following accusations made by opposing fans and players that her son is “a full kit wanker” of “the worst kind”.

The allegations have reached peak volume of late thanks to a series of privately taken photographs released in The Sunday Mail.

Wearing the full home kit of his club, the player is seen posing in a myriad of situations, including a night out at a popular gay drinking establishment, an afternoon at a tanning salon and even a theatre performance of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Defending her son against what she calls a “vile backlash against a statement made out of unshakeable pride”, the mother goes on to say that those questioning her son’s fashion choices “should take a long hard look in the mirror and ask themselves why they think only their precious replica shirts are enough.”

Earlier this year a man wearing a full Watford kit on a night out was shunned by his friends and failed miserably in his hopes of scoring ‘top-range nookie’. A few months later a similar incident occurred, when a 28-year-old man left his house in a full Sunderland kit only to have local police arrest him on the grounds of him acting as a “public nuisance”.

Despite the crackdown, full kit wankers have something of an ally in controversial fashion designer John Galliano.

“It’s really saddening, in this day and age, that a grown man should be deemed inferior scum just for wearing shorts, long socks and his favourite team’s top. Let’s face it, it’s a sexy look. And way better than anything a filthy Jew would wear”, added the Gibraltar-born British designer.

The player’s mother, in turn, doubts she’ll ever reject her son’s choice to sleep, eat, live and die in his own team’s Kappa-manufactured merchandise.

“I’ve never actually seen him with his kit off”, she added.

“Which is totally unfair because John Terry’s mum told me he gets his dick out for her almost every weekend.”

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