Jim White Wanks Himself To Death After Premier League Spends £1.15bn On Transfer Deadline Day

 6 years, 3 months ago 0 Comments

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The footballing world is in a state of shock today as the nation mourns the loss of everyone’s favourite transfer deadline journalist, Jim White, known primarily for his work with Sky Sports.

Jim’s tearful widow, Avril Hyndman confirmed from outside of the couple’s home in Glasgow that the mammoth spend of £1.15 billion on the Premier League alone, got a little too much for the easily excitable Scotsman, resulting in a fatal masturbation marathon that started on the 1st August.

A brave Hyndman confessed to esteemed LOLFootball reporter Howard Pleb, with her voice trembling;

“I’ve never known anything like it. He’s always been known to up his hamshanking game during August. He was absolutely insatiable last year, couldn’t keep his hands off it when Aaron Lennon joined Everton from Spurs. It was always those undisclosed fees that got him going the most.”

A clearly devastated Hyndman went on, before signalling out Manchester United’s Paul Pogba and Chelsea’s David Luiz for the death of Mr White;

“He was out of control this year though. It’s that wee Paul Pogba prick, he’s got a lot to answer for – same for that curly one. Once that bawbag had passed his medical at Chelsea, my Jim couldn’t keep his hands off his Jimmy.”

As a mark of respect to his former colleague and grieving wife, Alan Irwin left a purple dildo alongside the flowers outside the family home.

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