Old Firm Handshake Breaks Scottish Man’s Hand

An old firm handshake broke a young Scottish man’s hand today as two opposing forces met to put aside their differences and look to see in a new era.

The gesture, offered up by the leader of the supporter’s club for Glasgow-based team Rangers, came as the culmination of two-years worth of negotiations with a rival over who had a bigger hard-on for God.

The recipient, a young Catholic named Jim McHoopALot, was admitted to hospital with injuries to his hand that were said to look graver than “the rap-sheet of Judas in hell”.

Talking to LOLFootball.com, McHoopALot stated he was “trying to be the better man” by gripping his hand firmly around that of his counterpart, before continuing to say “it was far too old and firm” for his “soft and delicate” hands.

Intervening at the scene was ex-Celtic legend Henrik Larsson, who tried to remedy the man’s injuries by elevating and bandaging the body part with one of his former dreadlocks, last-worn in the city before his departure for Barcelona.

“A lot of people ask me; Henrik, what was your greatest experience in Scotland? And usually they point to the time I won the European Golden Shoe or when I scored a brace in the Scottish Cup. Well, now I can say, definitively, it was neither of those. It’s today. It’s helping this poor, battered victim of another Old Firm incident and hopefully showing him he still has a life”, commented the Swedish striker following an interview about the incident.

Reports also mention current Rangers player Joey Barton also being on the scene but being confused as to which side of the argument to take.

According to medical practitioners McHoopALot will likely lose the use of his right hand.

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