Sam Allardyce Names Kevin Davies And “Fat Dave” In First England Squad

New England gaffer and relegation-avoiding master Sam Allardyce has reinforced his belief that; “Tippy Tappy football is a load of bollocks,” by calling up old colleague and former Bolton bruiser Kevin Davies for England’s World Cup qualifier against Slovakia on 4th September.

Responding to esteemed LOLFootball.com reporter Howard Pleb’s concern about drafting in a 39-year-old who retired a year ago, echoing the nation’s doubts over the Sheffield-born striker’s freshness, “Big Sam,” eating a packet of Beef Monster Munch crisps responded in disdain by letting out a massive ripping fart in the direction of the much-loved journalist.

The press conference was a heated affair, with the former journeyman centre back reacting as defensive as his Bolton days’ tactics, following a media onslaught regarding some questionable selections, most notably that of the first time call-up for ‘The Nag’s Head’ keeper David Hickson, (42) affectionately known as “Fat Dave” by doting fans.

Whilst keeping his cards close to his chest about Hickson’s possible start over the recently exiled Joe Hart, Allardyce remained hostile in spite of empathising with the Factory Worker’s “big bones” shortly before likening the return of Sammy Lee to the England fold to the second coming of Jesus.

“Much like me, David is a man’s man,” said Allardyce. “If you wanted me to call up a bunch of prima donna’s then you should have appointed one of them foreign puffs instead.”

FA spokesperson David Davies sitting alongside Allardyce let out a war-cry vote of confidence for the England boss, “Say what you want, but Sam comes with a wealth of experience in making shit teams become a little less shit, and that’s just what we need right now.”

Comments

comments