Schweinsteiger Fails to Break Both Arms in Hope of Paralympic Action

Bastian Schweinsteiger, the former Bayern Munich midfielder, is experiencing further setbacks this evening after failing in an attempt to handicap himself in the hope of Paralympic action.

Said to having resorted to “desperate measures” following his freezing out at current club Manchester United, Schweinsteiger had been described by friends as ready to do “anything” in order to play some part in sporting competition.

Armed with the plan of deliberately crippling himself and restricting the use of his arms, Schweinsteiger, friends say, had his sights firmly set on a Paralympic track event and the hope of being selected by the German’s physically imapired Sporting Body.

“Bastian asked me to tie him down and jump on his body until he remain lifeless”, said one source close to the Bavarian born star. “At first I refused but he insisted so much I had little choice. Needless to say his arms just wouldn’t break nor did he pass out.”

Following that incident, reports say Schweinsteiger than tried to damage himself by asking friend Matts Hummels to smash a ball into his head repeatedly in hope of becoming mentally impaired.

“He’s always struck me as the sensible type, but after such a strange request I was finally able to see the breadth of his desperation”, stated Hummels.

Reports now mention Schweinsteiger attempting to go to new extremes to achieve his dream, including naked Bavarian mud wrestling with 500 lb men.

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