Starry-Eyed Delusiononal Optimism Returns to Tyneside After Newcastle Win a Few Games

Life in the Northeast of England appears to have gotten a far lot rosier of late due to the recent success of perennial underachievers Newcastle United.

Following the mass suicide spike prompted by the Magpies relegation from the Premier League last season, happiness levels have been reported to be at their highest in the region since late last May.

The new figures, prompted no doubt by a run of good results and the sale of want-away players for unexpectedly high prices, signal the welcome return of starry-eyed delusion on Tyneside as locals allow themselves to be distracted from their sad, miserable little lives for a while.

“Aye, things are looking up. My wife’s left me, my son’s in jail for drug offences, I’m clinically obese and haven’t seen me dick in years but it’s all good, Rafa’s steering us back on the straight and narrow”, said one 45-year-old fan.

Gathering in the city centre, some Newcastle fans even took it upon themselves to brave streaming online to watch away games on TV without wanting to drown themselves in hydrochloric acid or jump off the Tyne Bridge.

“It’s like we’re back in the good old days. Like when we smashed Man U 5-0 at home or when Tino got a hat-trick against Barcelona in the Champions League. Except now the main difference is we get to go down to Barnsley on a broken down coach and sit watching the rain bounce off Jonjo Shelvey’s head with a bag of greasy chips for company”, another fan claimed.

Manager Rafa Benitez, on his behalf, has called the recent happiness surge in Newcastle “wonderful” to see and a “welcome break” from images of the desperate impoverishment of some of England’s most destitute people.

Whether the recent spate of smiles and hugs between random strangers continues remains to be seen.

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