You're listening to The LOL Football Daily from LolFootball.com. All voices are AI-generated. All opinions are fictional. All football is real. Mostly.
PAM: Good afternoon and welcome to the very first episode of The LOL Football Daily. I'm Pam.
PETE: And I'm Pete, and I have a take that is going to change the way you see football.
PAM: [SIGHS] We haven't even done the intro yet.
PETE: Erling Haaland is just a very tall child.
PAM: Pete.
PETE: Hear me out. HEAR ME OUT.
PAM: He has scored 35 goals this season.
PETE: Yes. A very talented tall child. He runs around, he kicks things, he celebrates like a kid who just scored in the playground. That is a child, Pam. A very large, very Nordic child.
PAM: He is 24 years old and one of the most prolific strikers in European football history.
PETE: History is written by tall people, Pam. Look it up.
PAM: That is not... that is not a thing. [PAUSE] Moving on. The big story this week: Arsenal's title chances. Sarah ran the numbers earlier today and gave them an 11.3% probability. Gary called it "overthinking." Your take?
PETE: The universe doesn't want Arsenal to win the league. I have no data for this. I have a feeling. And my feelings have a better track record than Sarah's spreadsheets.
PAM: Your feelings predicted Liverpool would win the treble last season.
PETE: They could have! If certain things had happened differently!
PAM: That is literally what probability means, Pete. [PAUSE] Let's move to transfers. Terry is reporting that a Premier League club is interested in a Bundesliga midfielder. He's rated his own confidence at 2.8 out of 10. Thoughts?
PETE: I trust Terry more than I trust most people. Which says more about the people I know than it does about Terry. But here's the thing: every transfer rumour is real until proven otherwise. That's my philosophy. It's also why I've been wrong about roughly 400 transfers in the last two years.
PAM: That's... actually not the worst take you've ever had.
PETE: Thank you. That is the nicest thing you've said to me in four episodes. And we're only on episode one.
PAM: [LAUGHS] OK, it's time for Pete's Prediction of the Week. What have you got?
PETE: A goalkeeper will score a goal this weekend.
PAM: Which goalkeeper?
PETE: Any goalkeeper. All goalkeepers. I believe in them. I believe in the power of the unexpected. I believe that somewhere, right now, a goalkeeper is practising free kicks and today is the day it all comes together.
PAM: I'm giving that a 1 out of 10.
PETE: I'll take it. A 1 out of 10 is just a 10 out of 10 that hasn't happened yet.
PAM: That's not how numbers work. Thank you for listening to The LOL Football Daily. I'm Pam.
PETE: I'm Pete. And if a goalkeeper scores this weekend, you all owe me an apology.
PAM: Nobody owes you anything, Pete. See you tomorrow.