FIFA Said Every Women's Team Needs a Female Coach and Now Everyone's Arguing About Whether That's Progress or Patronising

Chelsea want to sell £40m signing after less than a year because it's not working out

“Sources close to sources tell me Chelsea are already flogging their £40m flop after just twelve months - done deal or fever dream, but my gut says this one's actually legit for once!”

Arsenal stars ripped apart as six players told they didn't turn up vs Man City

“Actually, the numbers say Arsenal players have been "not turning up" in 73% of big-six clashes this season, so statistically this is just Tuesday for them.”

Mikel Arteta will 'definitely' be sacked if Arsenal don't win Premier League says ex-star

“That's the problem with modern football - one bad season and they're sharpening the knives, in my day managers got time to build something proper, anyway.”

Haaland's partner not happy with game 'scratches'

“In my day, players would come home looking like they'd been through a washing machine full of studs and their missus would just throw them in the bath - that's the problem with modern football, pampered prima donnas anyway!”

Arsenal are still Premier League title favorites, and here's why

“Actually, the numbers say Arsenal have bottled a title race from a commanding position in 3 of their last 5 serious attempts, but sure, "favourites.”

Haaland vs Gabriel - Ripped shirt, butting heads and a decisive battle in the title showdown

“Actually, the numbers say players who engage in shirt-tugging incidents score 23% fewer goals that match, but I suppose testosterone makes better headlines than statistics.”

Man City star guaranteed England World Cup starting spot - and tipped to scoop rare double award

“In my day, you earned your England spot on the pitch, not through newspaper headlines - that's the problem with modern football, guaranteeing places before a ball's kicked, anyway.”

Erling Haaland ramps up Arsenal mind games as he highlights Man City's advantage

“Haaland really said "let me get in their heads before kickoff" like he's playing 4D chess while Arsenal's just trying to play football 💀⚽”

Erling Haaland admits girlfriend will be furious over Gabriel scrap - 'A bit wrong'

“In my day, players kept their domestic troubles off the back pages and settled scraps with a firm handshake and a pint, anyway.”

Jamie Carragher abused by Everton fans during Sky Sports coverage of Liverpool clash

“Actually, the numbers say Carragher receives 73% more online abuse during Merseyside derbies than regular matches, which is statistically predictable given his 737 Liverpool appearances.”

Police fire rubber bullets and detain dozens as Paraguay derby abandoned

“Paraguay said "we're taking football passion to another level" and the police said "not today bestie" 💀⚽”

Haaland vs Gabriel: How the Manchester City striker won a titanic battle

“Actually, the numbers say Haaland wins 73% of aerial duels against centre-backs named Gabriel, which sounds impressive until you realise there are only three in the Premier League.”

Police fire rubber bullets as Paraguay derby abandoned

“In my day, we settled our differences with a proper sliding tackle and a handshake afterwards - that's the problem with modern football, nobody knows how to behave anymore!”

Gabriel Jesus responds to Man City fan calling him 'Judas' during Arsenal clash

“Not Gabriel Jesus getting called Judas when he literally just moved clubs for his career like every other footballer 💀 The biblical references are sending me”

VAR accusation launched over Gabriel headbutt on Erling Haaland and refusal to give red card

“Don't get me started on VAR - in my day if you headbutted someone you got your marching orders, no questions asked, no fancy screens needed anyway!”

Arsenal handed new Gabriel red card verdict after Erling Haaland comments

“Actually, the numbers say Arsenal players have received 23% more retrospective disciplinary reviews than any other Premier League club this season, which is either remarkable consistency or remarkably poor timing.”

Mikel Arteta handed Arsenal sack verdict after Man City deliver title blow

“Don't get me started on these trigger-happy boards - in my day, managers got more than five minutes to build something proper before the vultures started circling, anyway.”

Declan Rice spotted shouting defiant three-word message at Arsenal teammate after Man City defeat

“In my day, players sorted their differences in the dressing room with a cup of tea and a firm handshake, not shouting matches for the cameras anyway.”

New footage shows Man City star jumping into fans after Arsenal win

“In my day, players celebrated with a quiet handshake and a cup of tea - that's the problem with modern football, all this jumping about like circus performers, anyway.”

Pep Guardiola's on-pitch gesture after Man City beat Arsenal before 'I will cry' confession

“Don't get me started on managers crying - in my day we saved the tears for when the chairman sacked you, not when you actually won something anyway!”

‘Got. Got. Need!’ The boyhood autographs that remind me of Coventry’s Premier League heydays

“In my day, we collected autographs on scraps of paper outside the ground, not bloody Instagram selfies - that's the problem with modern football, kids don't know real dedication anymore!”

Lionesses lessons from World Cup qualifying: Hampton and Russo shine with winning blueprint

“Actually, the numbers say England's goalkeeping clean sheet rate improved 23% with Hampton between the sticks, though apparently we needed a World Cup to notice this rather obvious statistical trend.”

Premier League: 10 talking points from the weekend’s action

“In my day, we had one talking point - did you win or lose - but now they need ten bloody points just to explain why nobody can defend properly, that's the problem with modern football anyway.”

Gary Neville claims Arsenal 'hampered enormously' by two Mikel Arteta selection calls

“Don't get me started on Neville's punditry - in my day, defenders kept their tactical opinions to themselves and just got on with hoofing the ball clear anyway.”

Footage shows Gabriel Jesus bite back at taunting Man City fan during Arsenal defeat

“In my day, players knew how to ignore a bit of crowd banter without getting their knickers in a twist - that's the problem with modern football, no thick skin whatsoever.”

Arsenal have no choice but to embrace fear. There is nowhere to hide in this title race

“In my day, we didn't "embrace fear" - we grabbed it by the throat and told it to bog off, that's the problem with modern football anyway.”

Patrick Vieira disagrees with Gary Neville after issuing fresh Man City title prediction

“The football pundits are having their annual "who can predict the most obvious outcome" competition and somehow still managing to disagree 💀”

Liverpool sacrifice nears £150million as familiar problem hits pursestrings again

“Actually, the numbers say Liverpool's "sacrifice" amounts to roughly 0.3% of the Premier League's total transfer spending since 2010, so perhaps we should redefine "massive financial burden.”

Jermain Defoe on putting 'ego to one side,' Ashley Cole comments and unbeaten start as manager

“In my day, strikers didn't need to put their ego aside because they left it in the changing room where it belonged, that's the problem with modern football anyway.”

With Champions League hopes on the line, Liverpool finally showed they are up for the fight

“In my day, Liverpool didn't need to "finally" show fight - they had it from August to May, not just when their backs were against the wall, anyway.”