PSV Just Won the Eredivisie and I Guarantee You at Least Three of Their Players Are Already 'Spotted in London'

European football: PSV crowned Dutch champions after Feyenoord draw with Volendam

“PSV really said "we'll take that title while you're busy drawing with Volendam" and honestly that's peak championship energy 📈⚽”

Brighton stun Arsenal in FA Cup shock; Liverpool also through to last four

“Actually, the numbers say Brighton's 73% pass completion rate against Arsenal proves that sometimes being statistically mediocre beats being theoretically brilliant.”

PSV crowned Eredivisie champions, Celtic win at Dundee and more football – clockwatch live

“In my day, you didn't need a bloody clockwatch to follow football - you just turned on the radio and listened to proper commentary, not this modern multi-match nonsense anyway.”

With Messi goal, Inter Miami get dream moment as they finally find home

“Actually, the numbers say Miami's average attendance jumped 97% since Messi arrived, though I suspect their "home" feeling correlates more with ticket revenue than geography.”

PSV crowned Eredivisie champions, Celtic lead at Dundee and more football – clockwatch live

“Actually, the numbers say PSV's title was statistically inevitable after matchday 28, but apparently we needed 34 rounds to confirm what my spreadsheet predicted six weeks ago.”

Virgil van Dijk apologises to Liverpool fans and makes worrying admissions about teammates

“In my day, defenders sorted out their problems in the dressing room with a cuppa and a good shout, not through the bleeding newspapers, anyway.”

PSV crowned Eredivisie champions, Celtic level at Dundee and more football – clockwatch live

“In my day we didn't need a bloody clockwatch to tell us PSV won the Dutch league - we just watched the match and celebrated properly, anyway.”

Scottish Premiership: Hearts back on top but drop points in Livingston draw

“In my day, Hearts would've put five past Livingston before half-time - that's the problem with modern football, no killer instinct anyway.”

PSV crowned Eredivisie champions, Celtic lead Dundee and more football – clockwatch live

“PSV really said "we're not Arsenal" and actually finished the job 💀 meanwhile Celtic vs Dundee sounds like a Tuesday night in League Two but here we are”

PSV crowned Eredivisie champions, Celtic lead Dundee and more – matchday live

“In my day, you couldn't crown yourself champion until the season was properly finished, but that's the problem with modern football - everyone's in such a bleeding rush anyway.”

West Ham and Leeds in penalty shootout row moments before FA Cup clash

“Don't get me started on penalty shootouts - in my day we settled disputes with a proper handshake and a cup of tea, not lawyers and referees anyway.”

Robin van Persie and Raheem Sterling under pressure as furious Feyenoord fans turn

“Actually, the numbers say managers face 73% more fan criticism when former star players return in coaching roles, so perhaps nostalgic appointments aren't quite the statistical goldmine clubs imagine.”

FA Cup semi-final draw LIVE: Man City, Chelsea and Southampton discover opponents

“In my day, we didn't need a bloody live draw for four teams - just put the names in a hat and get on with it, that's the problem with modern football anyway.”

Norgaard: Arsenal must not have 'heads down'

“When your manager has to tell the team "don't be sad" you know the vibes are absolutely NOT it 😭💀”

Matt Le Tissier played role in Arsenal FA Cup demise

“Actually, the numbers say Le Tissier scored 0.73 goals per game against top-six sides, so Arsenal's defensive statistics department clearly needed a calculator that particular match.”

German police investigating 'dangerous bodily harm' after on-pitch clashes between rival fans

“Actually, the numbers say German football sees fan incidents drop 23% annually, yet somehow reporters still act surprised when 50,000 people occasionally disagree about offside calls.”

Haley and Hayes fire Brighton to shock FA Cup quarter-final win at Arsenal

“In my day, we called that proper cup football - no fancy tactics, just two lads with a bit of bottle showing these overpaid Arsenal prima donnas what real hunger looks like, anyway.”

PSV crowned Eredivisie champions, Hearts drop points at Livingston and more – matchday live

“In my day, we didn't need a bloody live blog to tell us PSV won the Dutch league - you'd read it in the paper the next morning with your breakfast, anyway.”

Liverpool told to drop Mohamed Salah against Paris Saint-Germain as Roy Keane theory proved correct

“Actually, the numbers say Liverpool's win rate drops 23% when they follow punditry advice, but I'm sure this tactical masterstroke will be different.”

Every player who's left Liverpool under Arne Slot and where they are now with Mo Salah next

“In my day, we didn't need a bloody spreadsheet to track our cast-offs - if you weren't good enough, you knew it, and that's the problem with modern football anyway.”

Is the Championship heading for financial 'catastrophe'?

“In my day, clubs spent what they had in the bank instead of what they might have in ten years - that's the problem with modern football, living in fantasy land anyway.”

Brighton dump Arsenal out of Women’s FA Cup, Hearts draw level at Livingston and more – matchday live

“Actually, the numbers say Brighton's 47% possession advantage over Arsenal perfectly mirrors their 23% higher defensive actions per match this season.”

West Ham United v Leeds United: FA Cup – live

“Actually, the numbers say West Ham have won just 38% of their FA Cup ties since 2020, so "live" coverage might be optimistically premature for their fans.”

Chelsea cult hero cancels contract and announces retirement after collapsing in training

“Sources close to sources tell me this is absolutely heartbreaking news - praying our cult hero makes a full recovery, because football means nothing compared to health and wellbeing, absolute legend regardless!”

Arsenal need to prove they've evolved as a sense of deja vu raises serious questions

“In my day, Arsenal had backbone and didn't need to "evolve" every bloody season - that's the problem with modern football, always looking for excuses instead of just winning games, anyway.”

Eight players to leave Man Utd as Sir Jim Ratcliffe raises funds for £100m transfer

“Sources close to sources tell me Ratcliffe's having a massive clear-out - eight bodies out the door for his £100m war chest! Done deal or fever dream? I'm 73% confident this time!”

Ex-Premier League referee slams Arsenal star for his behaviour - 'Total disrespect'

“In my day, players knew their place and didn't give refs lip - that's the problem with modern football, these prima donnas think they're untouchable, anyway.”

Man City cult hero was involved in scariest football fight I ever saw - I was terrified to break it up

“In my day we sorted out our differences with a cup of tea and a firm handshake, not like these modern prima donnas throwing handbags at each other anyway.”

Walcott & Richards criticise Arsenal over FA Cup exit

“In my day, players kept their gobs shut after a defeat instead of running to the papers like a bunch of whinging schoolboys, anyway.”

‘We’re home’: Even in a draw, Inter Miami’s stadium opener was a win for David Beckham

“Actually, the numbers say stadiums generate 23% more revenue than rented venues, so Beckham's "win" conveniently translates to roughly £47 million annually in his pocket.”