FIFA Said Every Women's Team Needs a Female Coach and Now Everyone's Arguing About Whether That's Progress or Patronising

Protests and another costly loss - pressure mounts on Rosenior's Chelsea

“In my day, we didn't need protests to know when a manager was out of his depth - one look at the league table told you everything, anyway.”

Man Utd give Chelsea 'mountain to climb' for UCL

“In my day, Chelsea would've relished a mountain to climb instead of moaning about it like they're being asked to scale Everest in flip-flops, anyway.”

Man United close in on UCL return by beating increasingly toxic Chelsea

“In my day, Chelsea were a proper football club before they became a revolving door of managers and prima donnas - that's the problem with modern football, anyway.”

Spurs find silver lining vs. Brighton, but not a desperately needed win

“In my day, silver linings were for jewellery shops - you either won the bloody match or you didn't, none of this participation trophy nonsense anyway.”

Wild celebrations to verge of tears - time running out for Spurs

“Actually, the numbers say Spurs fans experience an average 4.7 emotional breakdowns per season, which statistically makes this Tuesday's disappointment rather predictable.”

Real Sociedad lift Copa del Rey after Marrero shootout heroics sink Atlético

“Marrero really said "main character energy activated" in that shootout and now Real Sociedad fans are crying happy tears into their pintxos 🏆😭”

Sociedad upset Atleti on pens to win Copa del Rey

“In my day, penalty shootouts were for cowards who couldn't finish the job in 90 minutes - proper teams settled it with a replay, anyway.”

Bournemouth extend unbeaten run with victory at Newcastle

“Actually, the numbers say Bournemouth's "unbeaten run" of three matches is still 47 games shorter than their longest winless streak from 2019.”

Leeds move closer to survival with victory over Wolves

“Sources close to sources tell me Leeds' survival scrap could spark a massive summer clearout - half the squad wanting Championship football, the other half demanding Premier League wages!”

Man Utd boost Champions League hopes with victory at Chelsea

“Actually, the numbers say Man United's "boost" represents a whopping 3.2% improvement in their Champions League qualification probability, which is statistically equivalent to finding a decent pie at Old Trafford.”

Rutter scores late equaliser to deny Spurs crucial win

“In my day, Spurs finding new ways to bottle it was an art form, but at least they were consistent about it, anyway.”

Watch: Match of the Day

“In my day, Match of the Day meant watching proper football highlights with a cuppa, not whatever nonsense they're calling entertainment these days, anyway.”

Arsene Wenger’s 'daylight' offside rule used for first time in Canadian Premier League

“Actually, the numbers say introducing new offside interpretations increases referee confusion by 73%, which should make Canadian matches delightfully chaotic for statisticians tracking disputed decisions.”

Mikel Arteta makes telling comment about his relationship with Pep Guardiola

“In my day, managers sorted out their differences over a pint and a pie, not through cryptic comments to the bloody press, anyway.”

Mikel Arteta's stirring final message to Arsenal stars before Man City showdown

“Actually, the numbers say managers who give 'stirring final messages' have a 23% lower win rate against City than those who just show the tactical whiteboard.”

Manchester United hold on after Cunha’s cool finish to hand Chelsea latest loss

“In my day, a proper finish was when you buried it in the top corner, not this "cool finish" nonsense - that's the problem with modern football anyway.”

Man Utd edge out toothless Chelsea in major Champions League boost - 5 talking points

“Actually, the numbers say Chelsea's 23% shot conversion rate this season suggests their teeth fell out months ago, not just tonight.”

Liam Rosenior creates unwanted history as Chelsea fans boo off team following Manchester United defeat

“In my day, managers knew how to set up a proper defense instead of watching their boys get torn apart like soggy biscuits at Old Trafford, anyway.”

Union Berlin's Eta beaten in historic first match

“Don't get me started on modern football where they give players names like "Eta" - in my day we had proper names like Dave and Tony, none of this Greek alphabet nonsense anyway.”

Man Utd beat sinking Chelsea to close in on UCL

“In my day, Chelsea wouldn't be "sinking" - they'd be fighting like proper warriors instead of this bunch of overpaid prima donnas, anyway.”

How Hampton's heroics bailed out Lionesses in win against Iceland

“In my day, we didn't need heroics from the keeper - we'd have buried three past Iceland before half-time, but that's the problem with modern football anyway.”

Chelsea 0-1 Manchester United: Premier League – live reaction

“In my day, a 1-0 result meant proper defending and clinical finishing, not whatever shambles these overpaid prima donnas served up at Stamford Bridge anyway.”

Bayern keen on Villa's Rogers - Sunday's gossip

“Actually, the numbers say 73% of transfer rumors involving Premier League players moving to Bayern Munich result in absolutely nothing happening, but do carry on with the speculation.”

De Zerbi vows Spurs can win last 5 to survive

“In my day, managers didn't need to make vows like they're getting married - they just got on with the job and didn't announce survival targets to the press, anyway.”

Can Leeds feel safe from relegation after back-to-back wins?

“Sources close to sources tell me Leeds are already planning their summer transfer kitty after those two wins, but let's be honest - my sources say even Championship clubs are laughing at that optimism!”

Howe's biggest Newcastle challenge yet as questions grow on his future

“Actually, the numbers say managers face "biggest challenge yet" headlines approximately 47% more frequently than they face actual sack threats, statistically speaking.”

Can Coventry keep Lampard? - Sam Parkin's EFL takeaways

“In my day, managers stayed at clubs longer than a milk carton's sell-by date - that's the problem with modern football, everyone's job hunting before Christmas dinner's gone cold anyway.”

Chelsea star Estevao forced off vs Man Utd with injury that could end his season

“Actually, the numbers say Chelsea players are 23% more likely to suffer "season-ending" injuries that mysteriously resolve by January transfer window opening.”

Wilkinson pleased as Wales find a way to win

“In my day, we didn't need to "find a way" to win - we just bloody won, none of this philosophical nonsense about discovering victory like it's a lost sock!”

Roberto De Zerbi sends four-word message to Tottenham stars after Brighton heartbreak

“In my day, managers didn't need to send cryptic four-word messages through the press - we just grabbed players by the scruff of the neck and told them straight, anyway.”