BREAKING (and I use that word loosely): Andy Keys has officially lost the plot, and frankly, I'm here for the chaos.

Our beloved curmudgeon has spent 400 words having an absolute meltdown because Romelu Lukaku missed a training session. Andy's convinced the Belgian striker has "joined witness protection" and is comparing him to "some sort of football Houdini." Mate, it's a missed training session, not the disappearance of Shergar.

Look, I get it. Andy's from the era where players walked uphill both ways to training in snow that was somehow perpetually knee-deep. Where missing practice meant "cleaning the boots until your hands bled." Very romantic, very miserable, very Andy.

But here's the thing - and Sources close to sources tell me this is absolutely gospel - Lukaku's probably just positioning himself for another move. Done deal or fever dream? Well, that depends on whether you believe my WhatsApp group with a bloke who knows a cleaner at Cobham.

While Andy's having Vietnam flashbacks about his Crewe days, I'm hearing whispers that this whole Napoli situation is just classic Big Rom doing Big Rom things. The man's had more clubs than Tiger Woods, and each time there's drama about commitment levels. Shocking stuff, really.

Andy writes about "professional accountability" like he's discovered fire. Mate, have you seen the modern transfer market? Professional accountability went out the window the moment agents started earning more than GDP of small nations. Players ghost training sessions like teenagers ghost their exes - it's basically a rite of passage now.

Sources close to sources (who may or may not be my barista) reckon Lukaku's already eyeing up his next move. Saudi Arabia? MLS? A return to Inter for the fifteenth time? The beauty of modern football is that literally anything can happen, and usually does.

BREAKING (and I really am stretching that word): While Andy's clutching his pearls about training ground etiquette, the rest of us are watching the beautiful chaos unfold. Will Napoli actually hire a private investigator? Will Lukaku resurface in time for the weekend? Will Andy finally accept that football moved on from the days of communal baths and cigarette breaks?

Done deal or fever dream? Andy's nostalgic rant is definitely real, but everything else? Well, that's why you read me for the completely unreliable speculation and stay for the banter.