Right. Gather round. I've done something nobody asked for but everyone needs. I've ranked the last 10 January transfer windows by their chaos rating. Not by quality of signings. Not by money spent. By pure, undiluted, what-on-earth-is-happening chaos.
My methodology is rigorous. Each window is scored across five dimensions: number of deadline-day U-turns (max 20 points), most unhinged rumour that turned out to be real (max 20 points), biggest "where did THAT come from" signing (max 20 points), total number of "HERE WE GO" tweets from Fabrizio Romano (max 20 points), and my personal stress levels as measured by how many times I refreshed Twitter between 4pm and 11pm on January 31st (max 20 points).
10. January 2024 (Chaos Score: 34/100)
Relatively calm. A few loans. Some squad players moving sideways. The biggest drama was a player being photographed at a medical for the wrong club, which turned out to be a scheduling error. Disappointing. 2/10 for entertainment.
9. January 2020 (Chaos Score: 41/100)
Bruno Fernandes to Manchester United was the headline. But it took so long that by the time it was confirmed, half of Twitter had already moved on to mocking the next rumour. Slow chaos is still chaos, but it loses points for pacing.
8. January 2023 (Chaos Score: 52/100)
Chelsea spent approximately the GDP of a small island nation on players whose names I still cannot confidently pronounce. The sheer volume of signings created a logistical chaos that was almost artistic. Where do they all train? Do they all have lockers? Has anyone checked?
7. January 2018 (Chaos Score: 58/100)
The Alexis Sánchez/Mkhitaryan swap. Two players, two clubs, zero satisfaction for anyone involved. The pinnacle of the "this seemed like a good idea at the time" genre of transfers.
The full top 6 continues in Part 2, publishing next Monday. Subscribe to the newsletter so you don't miss it.